Hiccups 2: Return of the Cures

"Hic!"

Obi-Wan Kenobi cringed at that dreaded sound coming from his Padawan's bedroom. After his unpleasant bout with the hiccups back when he was fourteen, he hadn't had them that badly again, although he still had a minor phobia of hiccups. Qui-Gon had teased him mercilessly about it for the remainder of his apprenticeship, as had Garen and Zara.

Who am I kidding?, mused Obi-Wan. Garen and Zara still tease me about hiccups every chance they get!

Of course, Master Yoda snickered evilly (a truly frightening sound, when coming from the old troll) every time some unfortunate Jedi uttered a hiccup near him, oftentimes scaring the hiccups out of said Jedi. Obi-Wan wondered briefly if taking Anakin to visit the old Master would cure him of the hiccups. Although, I don't want to traumatize the poor child any more then I must.

Another loud "Hic!" resonated around the apartment. With a groan, Obi-Wan got to his feet, pulling his robe over his shoulders before marching down the hallway to his apprentice's room. "Anakin!"

The young boy glanced up sharply at the sound of his mentor's heavy footsteps outside his door. For a moment, Obi-Wan had a fleeting hope that his very presence has startled the hiccups out of his apprentice. But alas, it was not meant to be, for a "Hic!" escaped Anakin's lips, making the blond-haired boy blush. "Yes, Master?"

Obi-Wan sighed. "Come on. We're going to find a cure for those hiccups."

"Uh, Obi-Wan, *hic!* I heard from Master Drallig about your *hic!* adventure with hic-*hic!* hiccups..."

"You shouldn't listen to everything Master Drallig tells you," retorted Obi-Wan, although inwardly he was seething. Cin, you git! "Now come on. Hiccup cures await you!"

"Like drinking *hic!* water upside *hic!* down and eating *hic!* sugar?"

"Like I said, don't listen to everything Master Drallig tells you. Or Knight Taerich, for that matter. Those two are very liable to, let's say, bend the truth out of context. Luckily, Master Eerin should be able to think of something for us, and by us I mean you. Now, do you want to get rid of those hiccups or not?"

"Of course, *hic!* Obi-Wan!"

"That's Master Obi-Wan to you, Anakin. Let's go. The sooner you get rid of those hiccups, the better, for all of us."

"So, what Master *hic!* Drallig said about you having a *hic!* phobia of hic-*hic!* hiccups is true?"

"How many stories about me is the git- I mean, Master Drallig telling you? And no, it isn't. Come on!"

With the sound of Anakin's many "Hic!"s to accompany them, Master and Padawan left the apartment in search of a new (useful) cure.

***

"Oi! Garen!" Obi-Wan grinned as soon as he caught sight of his best friend in the hallway. "Are you busy?"

Garen Muln looked suspiciously at his childhood friend. "Uh, no. What do you have-" He didn't get to finish, for Anakin unwittingly released a particularly loud "HIC!" from his lungs.

It was startling, although fairly amusing, to watch the transformation on Garen's face that the one sound from the skinny teenager had caused. The Knight's face paled. Sweat formed on his brow. His hands shook as he raised them, as though to ward off Obi-Wan and the hiccuping Anakin. "No! Never! You can't make me! I remember the last time I tried helping you with hiccups! Nothing you can do will make me change my mind!"

"Garen, please, be reasonable-"

"I am being reasonable! I am not getting involved in this!"

"Come on! Yoda's at the Senate today, so he won't be around to scare us, as is Mace. Your old Master's on assignment, mine is in the Force, and I think Zara's off planet. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Yaddle's still around, and she's as bad as Yoda! And Zara returned today from her mission, and she is grouchy. I don't want to bother her with a case of hiccups! No, I am not convinced! I'll have no part in this!"

Obi-Wan sighed. "Garen, I don't want to resort to this, but I have no choice." He reached forward and whispered something into his friend's ear, grinning evilly.

Garen went even paler then before. "That's blackmail!"

"And I have the address of some tabloids that would kill for that kind of information on a Jedi scandal, particularly with that Senator. Now, have I changed your mind concerning my Padawan's predicament?"

Scowling daggers at Obi-Wan, Garen groaned. "Fine, you win. What's your first idea?"

Obi-Wan grinned. "This is where we go look for cures."

"Sithspit," grumbled Garen. "You owe me so badly for this."

"What are you talking about? I'm preserving what's left of your dignity!"

"What are you *hic!* blackmailing him *hic!* with, Mas-*hic!* Master?"

"Nothing suitable for young ears, Ani. Come on. Bant should have something."

"We could go ask Cin if he's got anything..."

"Garen, remember the last time we went to Cin Drallig for a cure?"

"Oh. Right. Er, to Bant we go!"

"I'm glad we agreed so easily on this, my friend."

"Don't get used to it."

***

Bant Eerin glanced up from the datapad containing her latest mission report at a knock on her door. Opening it, she was promptly greeted by two impishly grinning Jedi Knights and one hiccuping Padawan. Making to slam the door, she yelped, "No! I'm having no part in this, Obi-Wan! Take your hiccuping Padawan somewhere else! And Garen, I thought you learned after last time!"

"Me too," grumbled Garen. "At least help us so I get out of this sooner!"

"Please, Bant?" pleaded Obi-Wan. "All three of us are being driven mad by Anakin's hiccuping!"

With an exasperated sigh, Bant leaned on the doorframe. "Haven't you tried the normal cures, like holding his breath or..."

"Bant. Did that work last time one of us had hiccups?"

Bant thought for a moment, before, "Well, think of pineapples. I was on an Outer Rim planet once, and they said thinking of pineapples would work."

Anakin looked up at Bant, utterly confused. "What's a *hic!* pineapple?"

Bant opened her mouth to reply, before shutting it, deep in thought. "Good question. Do either of you know what a pineapple is?"

Obi-Wan and Garen shook their heads. The four Jedi stood still for a few minutes, their thoughts broken by Anakin's constant "Hic!"s. Finally, Bant cried out, "Of course! Siri might have an idea!"

"Great," said Obi-Wan. "Let's go find Siri."

"You go find Siri. I'm staying out of this!"

***

"Siri!" The blonde Knight jumped and turned at the sound of two voices calling her name, along with a third voice hiccuping loudly. Scowling, she planted her hands on her hips, glaring down her friends.

"Obi-Wan, I know you still love me, but I thought we agreed to release our feelings for our own good. Running down the hallway screaming my name isn't really-"

"No, Siri, it's not about that!" Obi-Wan was nearly sputtering in indignation, although his ears were turning undeniably pink under his auburn hair, much to the amusement of his companions. "Do you have any hiccup cures?"

Siri looked at Anakin, who was still hiccuping a storm. Her gaze softened slightly; she'd always had a bit of a soft spot for the boy. "Well, I should think that pulling on his tongue would work. It did for me whenever I had the hiccups."

"I'll *hic!* try it," said Anakin, before reaching into his mouth and grabbing his tongue. He gave it a firm yank, but only started gagging around a hiccup (which, as any hiccup sufferer, Jedi or not, knows is not a pleasant experience).

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan grabbed his Padawan's wrist, pulling the hand out of his apprentice's mouth and releasing the trapped tongue. Now able to breathe, Anakin nodded gratefully at his Master, still hiccuping too much to answer him.

Siri sighed in relief, until she noted the mischievous grin spreading across Garen's face. "Gagging..." mused the Knight. "I remember hearing something about 'spoon gagging' on a mission when I was on a mission to the Mid-Rim. Maybe we could try-"

"No!" choked out Anakin. "No *hic!* gagging tricks! *hic!*"

"He's right," admitted Obi-Wan. "Ani has a horrible gag reflex."

Garen sighed. "Well, if he gets desperate enough..."

"I won't *hic!* be that des-*hic!* desperate, Master. But *hic!* thanks," gasped Anakin. "Who else would *hic!* have a cure? *hic!*"

Siri thought for a moment. "Have you asked Bant?"

"Yes, but she had nothing for us," said Obi-Wan.

"Zara?"

"Just got back from a mission this morning. None of us feel like getting our heads ripped off if we disturb her while she's resting," spoke up Garen.

"Master Cin?"

"Ha. Funny. No." Obi-Wan scowled. "Remember last time?"

Siri giggled. "Yes! I could hear Master Windu chewing Master Cin out for that from a different floor!"

"And he still has a secret fetish for sugar, even after that incident," grumbled Obi-Wan. "Plus, he'd never stop teasing me about it."

"Good point. How about Reeft?"

Obi-Wan and Garen looked at each other, before looking at Anakin, before looking at Siri with something akin to hero worship. "Siri, you are a genius!" crowed Obi-Wan. "Reeft will have something to help. Come!" He only delayed a moment to kiss a startled Siri's cheek before taking off down the hallway with Garen and a still-hiccuping Anakin.

***

Reeft glanced up from his plate of elevensies, cocking an eyebrow when he heard of Anakin's sad predicament. "And you want me to help?"

"Please!" begged Garen. "The three of us are going mad!"

Anakin opened his mouth to speak, but only uttered a loud "HIC!" before covering his mouth with his hands, blushing.

"Reeft, we're desperate. Do you have anything that'll help Anakin?" asked Obi-Wan.

Reeft thought for a moment, the wrinkles on his face deepening. A glance onto his plate gave him an idea. "I've heard sucking lemons helps."

"Lemons?" asked Obi-Wan.

"Hic?" asked Anakin.

"What's a lemon?" asked Garen.

Reeft sighed. "It's an exotic fruit from the Outer Rim. I'll show you." Picking up a yellow fruit from his plate, he cut it into segments before handing one piece to Anakin. "Just put it into your mouth and suck on it."

Anakin looked at the yellow fruit dubiously. "Are you *hic!* sure this'll work, Master *hic!* Reeft?"

"Absolutely, young Skywalker. I've been told that it's a wonder cure on the world it comes from."

"What world was that?" asked Obi-Wan.

Reeft thought for a moment. "I believe it was called... E-Arth. They have a selection of fruits and vegetables not found elsewhere, including this one fruit called pineapples. Delicious, that."

Garen looked at Obi-Wan, one eyebrow cocked. "Pineapples?"

Mulling over the concept, Obi-Wan shrugged. "Must be a coincidence."

Anakin sighed. "I hope *hic!* those E-Arthlings were *hic!* right about these *hic!* lemons!" He stuck the lemon wedge in his mouth- and promptly spat it back out. His eyes bugged out and watering, he choked, "Sith! *hic!* That's s-sour! *hic!"

"Is it really?" Obi-Wan picked another slice of lemon and sucked it before cringing, his face contorting in ways he didn't think were possible. "Oh, Force!"

Intrigued, Garen bit down on a third piece of lemon. Reeft burst out laughing at his friend's facial expression as the human Jedi painfully swallowed his bite of the sour fruit, his face wrinkling up worse then the Dressellian's did normally. "Gah! Sith, that's horrible!"

Wiping away tears of mirth, Reeft managed to restrain his snickers until his fellow Jedi had more or less recovered from the lemon. "Well, did it work?"

Anakin looked hard at the Knight, ready to give Reeft a piece of mind, but was stopped by the very loud "HIC!" that burst out of his mouth.

Reeft sighed before picking up the remaining lemon wedge and sucking on it. "Pity, that. You know, they're really not that bad."

"This confirms it, Reeft," stated Obi-Wan. "Either you have gone mad or you've gone to the Dark Side. If the laughter I heard was any indication, you've gone to the Dark Side."

Rolling his eyes, Reeft took the lemon out of his mouth. "Ah, I just have an acquired taste. Unfortunately, I don't have any other ideas that'll work, aside from the ones you tried when you were his age, Obi-Wan. But have you asked Quinlan Vos?"

"Brilliant! You're forgiven, Reeft. Come on!" Garen raced off, followed by Obi-Wan and the ever-hiccuping Anakin.

***

Quinlan Vos cocked an eyebrow at Obi-Wan. "You want me to help you with what?"

"Coming up with a hiccup cure for Anakin," sighed Obi-Wan. "You can think of something, can't you?"

Leaning against the wall of the corridor the group was standing in, Quinlan thought for a moment. "What have you tried so far?"

"We asked Bant for help, but she didn't have any cures. Siri suggested that Anakin pull on his tongue, but that just made him gag. Reeft gave us some Sithly fruit to suck on-"

"Lemons?" Quinlan shuddered. "Eech."

"We hear you," agreed Garen. "Do you have any other ideas?"

Quinlan frowned, deep in thought. "Did you ask Cin? I heard he has a great cure."

"Yeah," growled Obi-Wan, "consisting of getting hiccuping Padawans hyper on sugar and releasing them onto the rest of the Temple, and teasing said Padawans about the incident for years after the fact. And the cure doesn't even work!"

Quinlan smirked. "Oh yeah, I remember that!" Chuckling from the memory, Quinlan searched his own memories for hiccup cures, trying to ignore Anakin's pained sounding "Hic!"s. "Well, I've heard singing helps."

"Singing?" questioned the enquiring Jedi incredulously, punctuated with a "Hic?" from Anakin.

"Yes," said Quinlan, nodding confidently. "I've been told it works like a charm."

Anakin glanced up at Quinlan. "Okaaa-*hic!*-aay, but what *hic!* do I sing?"

Quinlan shrugged. "Anything, I guess."

"If you *hic!* say so, Master *hic!* Vos." With that, Anakin opened his mouth and proceeded to sing, with such gusto that he clearly imagined himself a wonderful singer, hiccups not withstanding. To the Knights listening to him, he sounded like a dying Gungan. A loud dying Gungan. Anakin was oblivious to his elders' suffering, and sang,

"When I *hic!* met you girl my *hic!* heart went knock *hic!* knock

Now them bu-*hic!*butterflies in *hic!* my stomach won't *hic!* stop stop

And *hic!* even though its *hic!* a struggle love *hic!* is all we got *hic!*

And we *hic!* gon' keep *hic!* keep climbin' til *hic!*-"

"Anakin, STOP!" shouted Obi-Wan, hands over his ears. But it was too late. For directly behind Anakin (who was still hiccuping), a door to an apartment had been flung open, revealing a petite, red-haired, murderous-looking Jedi Knight.

Anakin slowly turned around upon seeing the looks of horror on Obi-Wan, Garen and Quinlan's faces. The colour drained from his own cheeks as he weakly whispered, "Hello, *hic!* Knight Taerich."

Obi-Wan, Garen and Quinlan all sheepishly waved. "Hi, Zara."

Jedi Knight Zara Taerich glared daggers at her former friends. "You had better have a good reason for this!"

***

"Look, it's bad enough that you kriffing morons woke me up with that noise out there. Now you want me to help cure the kid's hiccups? Are you mad?" Zara glared at Obi-Wan and Garen from her spot on the couch. Quinlan had escaped Zara's wrath as quickly as he could, and would have been followed by Garen but for Anakin tripping him. The dark haired Knight was still not speaking to the suffering Padawan.

"Well, you're awake now," reasoned Obi-Wan. "Besides, if you don't help us, we'll have to go ask Cin for help. Remember last time we did that?"

Zara winced. "Not even I am that nasty. I've heard that sneezing helps get rid of hiccups."

"All right," said Garen, "now we just have to wait until Anakin feels the need to sneeze. You don't have a flu, do you?"

Anakin shook his head. "No. And I *hic!* have no allergies. *hic!*"

Zara thought for a moment. "I've heard pepper makes people sneeze. Why don't you try it? The cafeteria would have some."

"Good idea." said Garen. "Let's go. Are you coming, Zara?"

The redhead scowled. "I'm going to regret this later." Pulling on her robe, she followed her friends out of the apartment towards the cafeteria.

***

Anakin sat as still as he could on one of the cafeteria's hard chairs, warily watching Obi-Wan as the Master held a pepper shaker above his nose. "Are you *hic!* sure this will *hic!* work, Master?"

"No," admitted Obi-Wan in a whisper, "but I'm not itching to have Zara smack me. Besides, this might work..."

"Hopefully," agreed Anakin. "Let's *hic!* get this over *hic!* with."

With a reassuring grin, Obi-Wan gently tipped the pepper shaker over Anakin's nose, using the Force to make sure some of the spice landed in the teen's nostrils. Garen and Zara sat a safe distance away, watching the proceedings curiously.

Anakin's nose twitched involuntarily as the pungent spice hit his scent receptors. He blinked back tears of shock as the spice worked its power over him... which, admittedly, wasn't much. There was no sneeze to be had; only another loud hiccup.

Zara frowned. "That didn't work."

Garen looked thoughtful. "Maybe he needs to snort it up his nose."

Obi-Wan grinned. "And mix it with salt and sugar like Bruck did once?"

Garen smirked. "Exactly!"

Anakin looked worried. "Snort it *hic!* up my nose?"

Obi-Wan looked at the teen. "Do you have a better idea?"

"No," admitted Anakin. "Do you *hic!* have any sugar *hic!* or salt?"

Zara looked around. "No, but the pepper alone should be enough."

"Okay *hic!*" said Anakin, gingerly dumping a small amount of pepper into his palm. "Here goes *hic!* nothing!" He raised his hand to his nose and sharply inhaled. This wouldn't have been too bad, if an ill-timed hiccup hadn't wracked his body at that particular moment, sending pepper into his eyes. "Ahh! My *hic!* eyes!"

Obi-Wan quickly poured water over his Padawan's eyes. "Well, that didn't work either. Now what?"

Garen sighed. "And here I was so sure it was going to work!"

None of the four Jedi noticed the arrival of another Master, who grinned evilly when he beheld the scenario before him. Moving silently, he crept up behind the group, lightsabre in his hand.

"Maybe the cures that Obi-Wan tried will work on Anakin," mused Zara.

"I hope so," said Garen. "I heard about this one man on one of the Outer Rim planets who had the hiccups for sixty-nine years, and then died a year after he finally got rid of them."

"HIC!" Anakin looked shocked by that.

"Sith, that didn't work," grumbled Garen. "True story, too."

"Hmm." Obi-Wan looked at Anakin in all his peppery, damp glory. "Maybe if we try the breath-holding technique-"

A dark figure suddenly leaped over his head, blue lightsabre activated. Yells of shock escaped all four Jedi, yells which turned into hollers of indignation when they saw Jedi Battlemaster Cin Drallig doubled over laughing.

"Oh, that was perfect!" chuckled the venerable Master. "I heard Siri and Bant talking about Anakin having hiccups and decided to cure them! Did it work this time?"

Anakin hesitated, before realizing that the hiccups were indeed gone. "Yes! I don't have hiccups anymore!"

A loud indignant "Hic!" sounded from behind him, followed by Obi-Wan's cross "Well good for you. What about us?" For indeed, he, Garen and Zara were all hiccuping.

Garen looked at Zara. "I'm having *hic!* a strange case *hic!* of deja vu. *hic!* How about you? *hic!*"

Zara's eyes narrowed. "Agreed. *hic!*"

Cin's eyes widened in alarm as he started backing up. "Now, I didn't mean to give you three hiccups! I was only trying to help Anakin..." The rest of the Battlemaster's words were lost in a yelp as he raced out of the cafeteria, three enraged Knights after him, nearly trampling his current Padawan, the rather-shocked Serra Keto, in the process.

For the next three hours, Anakin roamed the hallways of the Temple, listening to, and sometimes seeing, the murderous pursuit of Master Cin Drallig by three younger Knights. He was nearly brought to uncontrollable giggles when he heard Master Yoda, newly returned from the Senate, observing to Master Windu, "Meh. Glad I am, that this time chasing me they are not!"